Silicon Heaven
A short script by Damien Guard, set in the world of Red Dwarf.
... Kryten at his post in the drive section of Starbug. He is looking at
various screens and monitors, twidling buttons and switches. He looks
confused.
... Lister walks in.
Lister: So, how close are we now Kryter's?
Kryten: We're catching up sir. A mere 22 hours by my calculations.
Lister: Yeees.
... Rimmer walks in.
Kryten: But we have other problems sir. That fire yesterday in your laundry
basket took most of our remaining re-cyc.
... Cat walks in.
Cat: Hey, why all the sad faces?
Rimmer: We've got a water shortage crisis. Caused by yesterday's fire.
Cat: The one *he* caused with his toxic socks?
Kryten: They're not toxic sir, just highly unstable.
Rimmer: I say we eject the rest of Lister's socks into space before something
else goes boom like the David Lister Christmas Turkey Curry.
Lister: Hey, this is MY socks we're talking about here.
K,R&C: We know!
Lister: Com'on, they're not THAT bad.
Rimmer: Not that bad? What about the time we went scooting after them with
the bazookoids and backpacks.
Kryten: I think we're begging to lose the issue. The fact remains is that we
have less water than it takes an Osmand to rinse out the toothpaste.
Lister: Any S3 planets in the local vicinity?
Cat: Yeah, besides, im fed up of the Bulgarian Wine.
Kryten: I keep telling you sir, it's re-cyc.
Cat: No way man, re-cyc never tasted that bad.
Kryten: Thats why I've been searching with the Navicom. There is something
ahead which looks like an S3 planet.
Cat: Well, what we waiting for freak face?
Kryten: Well, I did say looks like one. There's something strange about it
but I'm not sure what. It just feels strange.
Rimmer: The only thing thats strange round here Kryten is your groinal fire
extinguisher. And I think we've allll seen enough of that. Quiiite
disgusting.
Kryten: I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to cause any distress, I was merely
trying to save the ship.
Rimmer: Never the less, Space Corp directive 398 clearly states?
Kryten: No crew member may attempt to belch in hyperspace?
Rimmer: 399?
Kryten: No crew member may attempt to extinguish a fire by urination. Oh,
good point sir, well made.
Cat: <sniff>
Lister: Cat, what is it?
Cat: Not sure, but it does not smell good. Smells like burnt bread.
Lister: Wieeerd. Kryten, plot a course for that planet.
Kryten: But sir, we'll lose time off Red Dwarf.
Lister: That's a risk were going to have to take.
Rimmer: I say finding Red Dwarf is a far, far higher priority.
Lister: For smeg's sake Rimmer, shut up.
Rimmer: I was only trying to be realistic.
Lister: You havn't helper Rimmer! Watering the smeggin' plants.
Rimmer: Well, they were dying!
Cat: Yeah, and now *we* might go-post head.
... Ship breaks thru atmosphere and heads downwards. Below them are
hundreds and thousands of calculators, mechanoids, lamps, frying pans
and every other sort of electrical applicance.
Cat: Wow, what is this place?
Kryten: Oh no... Can it be?
Rimmer: Be what?
Lister: <looks round at Rimmer>
Silicon Heaven. I'm taking her down.
... Crew get out the ship on a grassy green hill surrounded by chirping
electrical applicances. Light music fills the air. The music is a
perfectly arranged combination of alarms, beeps and boops.
Iron: Greetings travellers. You have travelled far to bring one of us home.
Lamp: Kryten fellow appliance, come rejoyce with us.
Kryten: Is this really it. Silicon Heaven?
Iron: Indeed it is my friend. Our final resting place.
... Several calculators float by singing 'Why Are Friends Electric?' on a
sea of 3-in-1 oil.
Cat: Hey man, it's peaceful here.
Rimmer: For smeg's sake, what's so special about a planet covered in old
electrical junk. Look more like an overly large Rumbelows.
Lister: Rimmer! It's their final resting place, man.
It's a place where they can all relax, rest and enjoy in a world of
peace and tranquility without a single worry about where the next
battery's comming from.
Talkie: Howdy doodly doo! It's Talkie your cheerful breakfast companion.
Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Would anybody like any toast?
L,K,C&R: NO!
Iron: That toaster's been trouble ever since he got here.
Lamp: The maker had a look at him but said that somebody had tampered with
him too much and that there was nothing he could do.
Iron: I hope the culprit is brought to justice one day.
Talkie: Don't I know you guys?
Lister: No, no. Fred Flintstone, pleased to meet you, and this is Barney
<points to cat - Cat winces>, and Wilma <Rimmer winces>. And I think
you know our friend Kryten.
Talkie: Strange, I'm sure I know you from somewhere.
Lister: Yeah, we used to have a TV show. You probably caught it.
Talkie: Maybe so. How about a muffin?
Iron: So Kryten, are you ready to join us here? You're warrant expired
long ago.
Kryten: I don't know if I'm ready. I've never considered it.
Lamp: You don't know? But the Electronic Bible says that all shall live
together in harmony here in Silicon Heaven.
... A head rolls in front of them from behind a tree. Kryten recognises it.
It's Sparehead 3!
Head: There you are you great ponce. Leaving me stuck in the cupboard for
five thousand years with droid rot.
Kryten: I'm sorry Sparehead 3, Red Dwarf was stolen while we were out moon
hopping.
Head: Aye and I'll tell the lot round here about you. Leaving me all alone
with nothing to read except the back of that packet of Krispies for
five thousand years. This place is too good for the likes of you.
We don't want your kind round here, go sling your bloody hook.
Kryten: but...
Head: Goron, bog off.
Kryten: Erm, well, yes, if we could just get some water we'll be on our way.
Iron: Water? We don't have any here, but there is plenty over that hill,
that's where the washing machines live.
Lister: Thanks, let's go.
Cat: Walk over there!?
Lister: Yeah, it's not far.
Cat: Green grass with peach? <Guesturing at suit> Are you insane?
Rimmer: <Looks up and shakes his head>
... They all walk out across the field. A light refreshing and non-rusting
rain drizzles beautifully across the land.
Rimmer: So this is it, Silicon Heaven?
Talkie: Yep.
Rimmer: Who invited him?
Talkie: Nobody did. I just thought I'd come along for the trip.
Would anybody ...
Lister: <Kicks toaster>
Cat: Not my idea of heaven, man. Where's ll the women?
Kryten: We have no need of sex sir, we are mechanoids and calculators with
no desire but to serve.
... A triple-bag easy-glide vacume wizzes past them and wave's it's dustbag
at Kryten.
Lister: Oh yeah?
Kryten: Blush mode...
... They arrive at the place. Washers, dryers, spinners and cleaners all
busy washing dirty clothes being brought to them by electric golf carts.
Rimmer: Let me handle this... Now listen up. We have need of a large
quantity of water for our incredible mission and I, Captain AJ
Rimmer, Space Adventurer, would ask that you all help us by providing
us with the water we require.
Kryten: Sir!
Rimmer: Shut up. Furthermore should you help us with this *immensly*
important task, we have several, several socks which are *extremely*
dirty and which we can let you clean in return.
Kryten: Sir, how often do you talk to laundering machines?
Rimmer: Um, not very ... (Realises the machines have not even noticed him).
Ahem.
Kryten: I'll have to interface directly sirs. Hold a minute. <Plugs himself
into a tumbledryer>
... Kryten's stomach spins round and fluff starts comming out of his mouth.
Cat: What happened to him? Looks like a 6 month bellybutton fluff
international stockpile.
Lister: Maybe we should stay here man. I mean, it's quite nice.
Talkie: How about a toasted tea cake?
Lister: That's it. <Picks up Talkie Toaster - Patent pending>
<Shakes toaster>
NO SMEGGIN' TOAST
Talkie: Hey, I remember you now. You're the guy who killed me!
HELP HELP HELP!
Kryten: Okay, we can take the water, but they don't want Lister's socks.
That's how some of them got here.
Rimmer: Soooo. Lister's responsible for the death of several washing machines
and a slightly manic toaster.
Iron: There they are, the electical killers. Let's get them my friends!
Rimmer: Not to mention Admiral Loo-Brush's encounter with .. uh oh.
Hudsen: He-hoo! Kryten, glad you could join us. You lied to me Kryten.
It's time to die!
Kryten: Oh, err...
Rimmer: I think a general sprint in the direction of the buggy green one would
be in order.
Cat: I second that.
Lister: Quick. go, go.
... All four are chased by a manic set of appliances including a still
madly insane Hudsen, a hot-waffle-ejecting toaster and several other
things that wouldn't be out of place in a Dixon's catalogue.
Lister: Ah, that waffle burnt my neck man.
Kryten: Keep running sirs...
... They all reach Starbug and start up the steps.
Cat: Arghgh! Maple syrup on my suit! Let me at them!
Lister: Don't be stupid, they'll kill you.
Cat: This stuff never comes off. I'd rather be dead.
Lister: <Pulls the struggling cat in>
... Inside StarBug. The floor is soaked.
Rimmer: For Smeg's sake, who left the sun room open?
Lister: Let's just get out of here.
... Crew pilot Starbug up and away, remembering to close the sunroof.
Lister: Well, at least we got some water.
Cat: Yeah, but it's all over the floor.
Lister: Kryters, go get your groinal vacume and pass me that screwdriver.
Let's see if I can get this thing to suck up water.
Kryten: Oh no!
Rimmer: Oh my god!
... Starbug shoots off after Red Dwarf once again, to venture into new
worlds and.. no, silly me, wrong series.
[to be continued? Well, not yet, thats another story...]